Tuesday 30 November 2010

The Jumpsuit Blues

Last night, I went round to Steve's after we had curry last night (he found my Madras a little hot, so I laffed at him for being a Southern git) and he produced my pink jumpsuit as it had arrived earlier that day!

If you are unfamiliar with these jumpsuits, you have not lived.

But not to GIVE to me yet; they had mistakenly sent the extra small size instead of just small, so he wanted me to try it on to see if he had to try and get it exchanged before Christmas. I put it on, and instantly felt like some kind of awesome, snuggly, highly camp astronaut. Luckily it fitted fine (if it was any bigger it would probably have been a bit TOO ridiculous - this is, of course, all relative), which was good until HE MADE ME GIVE IT BACK UNTIL CHRISTMAS!! Sad times... It's the weirdest thing ever! It can zip up all the way over my face for no apparent reason (SHUT UP!), and has a mad number of pockets. The only thing missing is a proper old-stylee longjohn buttflap, but I'll forgive it that one omission. I miss it already, and am looking forward to Christmas when I can get rid of all my other clothes and take to looking like a retarded-but-harmless descendent of Buzz Aldrin once more...

Friday 12 November 2010

The Return of American Express...

American Express called the company I work for again today. If you are unsure of the significance of this, please see here.

ME: Good afternoon, [COMPANY NAME], how can I help you?
TELEMARKETER: Yes, good afternoon. I would like to speak to [MANAGER'S NAME, ONLY PRONOUNCED SLIGHTLY LESS WRONGLY THAN LAST TIME THEY CALLED].
ME: Is this American Express, by any chance?
TELEMARKETER: [STUNNED SILENCE] Um, yes?
ME: My spirit guide told me it would be. It also says you should watch your back tomorrow.
TELEMARKETER: Wha..?!
ME: [EXAGGERATEDLY LOUDLY] OKAY, I LOVE YOU, BUHBYE!!!!

Monday 1 November 2010

Further reasons why I am a... you know what, I'm bored of typing this title

13) I can't see a puppy without devolving into some sort of squealing melty idiot-woman. Puppies actually make my heart hurt. I am supposed to be educated and at least vaguely mature. Which is clearly total shite.
14) I secretly sort-of don't hate pork scratchings. Which I call 'itchy pigs' in order to try and put myself off. I actually refuse to allow myself to openly like them.
15) I sometimes buy magazines called things like 'Murder Monthly' to read on the machines at the gym to discourage awkward treadmill conversationalists.
16) I only like salad if bacon is involved.
17) I own a couple of pairs of shoes that I will NEVER be able to walk in successfully, but I keep them at eye-level for when I'm on my sofa because they are pretty.
18) Sometimes young children are openly delighted by my hair, and ask their parents if they can have their hair bright colours too. The parents' looks of utter horror are highly amusing to me, and can literally make my day.
19) I think it is absolutely fine to wear my swimsuit in my flat for no reason. I waited ages on a waiting list for the bastard thing, and I will not allow a lack of outdoor opportunity prevent me from wearing it!!! (PS - it is completely fabulous)
20) It is my firm belief that gin is an acceptable form of dessert.
21) I have several t-shirts with variations on 'Your Mum' jokes on them.
22) I have actually spent this long thinking of things about myself to write here. Narcissism, meet thy most devout champion!